You are terrified of the possible changes the future might bring, and what those changes could mean to you financially, emotionally, and socially.

You don’t know what happens next and not knowing is keeping you awake at night.

You are afraid of losing your home, your kids, and your retirement. You are afraid of losing friends, extended family, and maybe even your job.

You feel like a failure as a husband, a father, and as a man and so did I.

These are all normal concerns and feelings and you are not alone. You are not the first man to feel that way, and you will not be the last.

As men, we don’t want to be seen as weak. We don’t like to fail. We do our best and show up ready for battle knowing that in the process we may take some arrows, but even so we are willing to continue to fight until our last dying breath. However, this is not always the case for a man’s wife.

More often than not, your wife values emotional safety and security over even physical or financial safety and security and when her feelings tell her she isn’t in the right place for long enough, she listens to them and decides to make serious life changes.

A man facing the critical breakdown of his marriage is usually surprised by his wife’s choices. Men report feeling caught off guard or “blind sided” by their wife’s decision to leave the marriage and ultimately the family.

Her choices can leave him feeling victimized, powerless, choice-less, and dependent on her for his happiness and well-being. But this just isn’t true.

Many men feel like they have “done everything they were supposed to do” to make everyone else happy and they don’t understand why that effort and hard work didn't produce the results they thought it would.

Many men report feeling like ATMs, maintenance men, Uber drivers and security guards in their marriage.

When a man mistakenly believes that his sole value as a man is to earn money, mow the lawn, drive kids to activities, and stand guard against potential threats the form and function of his life leaves them feeling undesired, unwanted, unappreciated, dismissed, disregarded, and disrespected.

Most of all, he feels alone and unloved while desperately wanting more connection and intimacy with his wife. He doesn’t know how to fix it, but he does know that feeling alone with someone sucks!

He works all the time, has no friends, no hobbies, and depends on his wife to be his best friend, lover, and source of happiness.

He’s worked hard to get a job, a car, a house, a wife, kids, a dog, and a bank account, only to risk losing everything in divorce.

When marriage problems arise, he has no one to talk to or understand them. If the marriage ends, he discovers that his friends are mostly husbands of her friends, and his family doesn’t have the tools necessary to help him.

He feels more alone than ever. I know because at the end of 2018, I was in the same place you are now.