So your wife wants a divorce, or a separation, or just “space”. Now what?
A wife wanting a divorce or a girlfriend wanting space are painful events that ultimately encourage us to take a look at ourselves and seek deeper answers to life’s questions. The reality is that romantic relationship problems are just the canary in the coal mine of self development. They are the warning sign that something else is wrong, that our worldview is off, and that we need to stop trying harder to get the same results.
What we eventually discover is that most of what we thought was real, our fears, our understanding of relationships, our understanding of self are either distorted or flat out false.
Take stored memories and imagined future events for example. We are often saddened by the past or fearful of the future, all while we overlook the present moment. We use incomplete, fuzzy stored memories of past events to make decisions now about the future, but is our perception of those past events distorted and can we really trust that information, or should we just look at what is happening now and make a decision based on what’s happening right in front of us?
In his book, “The Power of Now”, Eckhart Tolle dives into these questions and clarifies many of these questions. If you haven’t read his book, I highly recommend it on Audible. Eckhart reads the book and hearing his voice allows you to sit back and visualize what he is talking about without tripping over the printed words themselves.
What you learn from the book is that pain comes from our beliefs, whether that’s holding onto the past, or fearing the future, or telling ourselves stories about what things mean. Our mind is an incredibly powerful tool that we can either use to get where we want to go, or it can hold us prisoner in a jail of our own making.
For example, if you’ve been married for 20 years and now your marriage is falling apart, you might feel like you have no options, until you realize that you have another 20, 30, or 40 years of life to live. The previous 20 years are not a waste. The experiences you had taught you want you enjoy and what you don’t enjoy. You now have a better understanding of self. You now know better and when we know better we do better.
But if we get stuck in our thinking. If we are paralyzed with fear and regret. If we allow our mind to rule our emotions, we start living in a false reality, trapped by our own thoughts which leads to self loathing and resentment of others, which further damages relationships and makes our life miserable.
Are positive or hurtful past memories of your relationship causing you pain? Are imagined future realities making you anxious and fearful? Are you in a place where you can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t function because of people and circumstances that are outside your control?
Maybe your wife has said, “I don’t want to be married anymore” or maybe she has said, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” and now your world is spinning. You can’t imagine how all those good times can be lost and you can’t imagine what moving forward without her looks like. Your brain is lying to you, just like it lied to me when I was in the same place you are in now.
Let’s talk about the 3 a.m. monkey movies that are playing non-stop every night in the dark. Let’s talk about how you can get back to feeling good about your life and not feeling like you need the approval of others to be okay. Your life doesn’t have to be this way.
What you think you know, what your were taught is flawed, not helpful, and keeping you feeling trapped in this pain and the fastest way to get rid of this pain is to talk with someone who understands, someone who can point you in the right direction, and walk with you while you read the map together. I’m here to listen and point the way.
Much love brother,